No Def correspondent, Chris Herbeck, got a chance to interview The Melvins before their blowout performance at One Eyed Jacks last Wednesday night. Like listening to one of their albums, conducting an interview with the Melvins is a mind fuck that can lead to strange, humorous and sometimes uncomfortable situations. 

 

The Melvins have been around forever and made countless albums throughout the years. By forever I mean about 25 years and by countless I mean that the numbers are just too complicated. Considering all the live albums, bootlegs, collaborations, EP’s and singles, only an obsessed person can make sense of it all. Their latest record “The Bride Screamed Murder” is a healthy portion of their unidentifiable brand of heavy rock that will satiate the appetites of their loyal fan base while genre-driven music critics will be left scratching their heads. What is most admirable about the longevity of this musical outfit is their unwillingness to compromise their sound in order to appeal to a broader audience.

 

Chris Herbeck: So, what do you guys think about New Orleans?

 

Buzz Osbourne:  We think it’s groovy.

 

Dale Crover:We’ve always liked it here in New Orleans—We’ve always had really good shows. Even when we played here in 1986, people were into it. They dug us! They were super cool, when the rest of the country didn’t like us at all we were welcome with open arms here in New Orleans.

 

CH:So do you guys like hamburgers?

 

DC: Sure!

 

BO:No, hate em! (Laughter)

 

CH:Have you ever had a hamburger from Port of Call? That’s a really good place, if you like burgers, they serve it with a baked potato, its really good.

 

BO:We do like burgers!

 

DC:Maybe--we are always up for Cajun food here, you can’t really get that on the West Coast. You guys probably do steam a good ham here.

 

Unidentified voice in the background:You do steam a good ham Seymour!

 

(Laughter)

 

 CH:So the advertisement for the show said that you guys are playing two sets, can you explain that?

 

BO:Well, we play one set-- we take a break, then we play another one.  (Laughter)

 

CH:Ok, well I was expecting that sort of answer but I don’t know, is there--

 

BO:A theme? No theme—I guess the second set is, more… chick oriented.

 

DC:That means chicks are going to dig it.

 

Coady Willis:Chicks dig two sets.

 

CH: Oh yeah, some hot numbers?

 

BO: Yeah, a bunch of hot numbers!

 

CH:So you guys have a new album out and you started touring, how has the audience reception been to the new material?

 

DC:Oh, they kind of stand and stare.

 

BO: That’s what they do for all the material.

 

DC: I think most people probably haven’t heard it yet—though we’ve cracked the top 200 on the Billboard charts.

 

BO:Yeah, but these days with CD sales you can top the top two hundred with 400 records.

 

DC: So we sold, maybe, a couple hundred records.

 

CH: Well as you guys have said before, the game has changed.

 

DC: It has, and you know, if they counted illegal downloading it we’d probably be up there.

 

BO: No, it wouldn’t because everyone else would be too.

 

DC: Well we might be in the top 200.

 

BO: I doubt it, maybe the top 1000—or 10,000

 

CH: I was kind of asking in terms of the shows.

 

BO: Shows are always good.

 

CH: Well I’ve always enjoyed your shows.

 

DC: Cool! Yeah, we always have a really good time. This has always been a really good place to play. Even this club is one of our favorites.

 

BO: New Orleans rules.

 

DC: We like the way it looks, it’s the perfect size-- it’s a theatre as opposed to a giant cement bunker.

 

BO: Its haunted.

 

CH: Really? Have you seen any ghosts here?

 

BO: Everywhere here is haunted.

 

DC: I haven’t seen any ghosts here, but what place in New Orleans isn’t haunted.

 

BO: We saw a lot of human garbage on the way in. Look I see a ghost right now! (points to shirt that has the Ghostbusters logo on it)

 

CH: Good one, is that to scare them away?

 

DC: That just means he’s not afraid of them.

 

BO: I ain’t afraid of no ghost.

 

CH: So, you guys played a show at the White Rabbit in San Antonio that wasn’t originally on the schedule.

 

BO: Yeah it was, it just didn’t get put on there until later.

 

CH: Ok, well a friend of mine that went to that show wanted me to ask you something. What does the inside of a black hole look like?

 

BO: I don’t believe in black holes--so you can make whatever you want in it… Uh, I think its dark.

 

DC: Black and cavernous.

 

BO: Yeah, it’s black and cavernous. Its very tight, how about that?

 

CH: Kind of self-explanatory.

 

DC: Yeah, pretty much. At the end is a magical rainbow with pixies.

 

BO: With a little pixie living in a gumdrop house—Jimi Hendix and Judy Garland are jamming together, that would be my dream combo.

 

DC: They would be playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

 

BO: They would be playing Somewhere Over the Rainbow Bridge.

 

(Laughter)

 

CH:That must’ve been a hell of a show.

 

BO: Hell yeah, they both died! A raging show, a literally raging show!

 

CH: So I have a question about a specific on song off your new album. On track 3, Pig House, what is the instrument that accompanies the solo on the track?

 

BO: A Stylophone.

 

CH: Stylophone? What kind of instrument is that?

 

DC: It’s like a little handheld keyboard thing that has a little pen with a little metal conductor thing. It’s similar in sound to a Theremin but I think David Bowie used one on Space Oddity.

 

CH: I imagined it was some kind of plastic horn flute thing.

 

DC: There actually is a plastic horn flute thing on other songs—on PG x3.

 

CH: So on the new album you do a cover of “My Generation” by The Who”.

 

BO: That was a cover? Dale told me he wrote it! You son of a bitch!

 

CH: Ok, well I guess that answers my question-- I was going to ask if you guys needed permission to do that song.

 

BO: We’ll see! (Laughter) I don’t think you need permission to do any cover song. I think you can do whatever you want as long as you pay the royalties.

 

CH: So do you think The Who will ever be aware that you did a cover of this song?

 

BO: No, if they did they probably wouldn’t like it.

 

DC: I would like to think that they thought its really cool and groovy and better than their version but…

 

BO: I doubt it!

 

CH: Will there be any muumuus tonight?

 

BO: Of course!

 

CH: I’ve always wondered where you got those.

 

BO: We have the custom made in Hollywood by a costume maker.

 

DC: Have you ever heard of Nudie?

 

CH: No.

 

BO: Out of business, but you can look it up online—Nudie Cowboy Suits.

 

DC: Well he used to make ours but now Manuel makes them for us. Nudie used to make stuff for Elvis.

 

BO: But now he’s dead. Nudie is.

 

DC: But Elvis is still alive, we firmly believe that.

 

BO: He made suits for Hank Williams too.

 

DC: Yes he did.

 

BO: Its true. Once you see the style it’s unmistakable, you’ve seen it a million times and when you see it you will say “Oh yeah, that’s what it is”.

 

CH: Ok, I’ll look it up, sounds cool.

 

At this point I split off from Buzz and Dale to ask Jared Warren some questions about Big Business. The turning point of this interview occurred when our short exchange quickly turned into an awkward moment.

 

CH:So what’s the next move for Big Business?

 

Jared Warren:We’re going to try to write some songs and write a record, hopefully by the end of this year.

 

CH: Ok, so I have a question about a particular lyric in one of your songs. “You can’t draw a map with honey” I have been trying to figure out what that means and so now I have the opportunity to ask you about it.

 

JW: Its got really deep meaning, you have to go to college to get that one.

 

CH: I went to college.

 

JW: Well not a very good college, clearly.

 

CH: Well I went to art school, so it was overpriced as well.

 

JW: Exactly, that’s why, that’s not real college.

 

(Silence)

 

CH:Um, ok… well, uhhh—What’s your favorite Melvins album?

 

JW: I guess Bullhead is my all time favorite.

 

So realizing that part of the interview was a complete failure I decided to make my way back to friendly territory. Dale was still sitting there, and I think he felt kind of sorry for me. I had a few more questions to scratch off the list and he seemed willing to participate in my last ditch effort to save the interview.

 

CH: I know you guys are involved with the people who do the All Tomorrow’s Parties. Any way you can get them to do something here in New Orleans? I think this would be a great town for something like that.

 

DC: Well the places that they do them are these self contained Holiday Camps, but what might be cool is if they rented a big river boat and floated down the Mississippi. I think that would have to be the Southern version of All Tomorrow’s Parties—or on an oilrig.

 

CH: Yeah, well you just have to hope it doesn’t explode on you. So I know you guys are heavily influenced by movies, do you guys ever get offers to work on film soundtracks?

 

DC: Not too much but sometimes, mainly just from low budget films that just want something for nothing, but no real offers to do a full soundtrack to something. The problem with that is most people I know that work doing that kind of stuff don’t really have the creative control that they’d like to have. If we were going to do something like that we would want to have complete creative control.

 

CH: So what do you guys do when you aren’t being the Melvins?

 

DC: Buzz and I like to go to baseball games, he likes to golf a lot, like everyday. I would but it’s expensive, although I do golf. Also, I’ve got two kids so I hang out with them, you know, a lot of tea parties stuff like that. I like to work on cars and trucks.

 

CH: Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?

 

DC: Why is it supposed to?

 

CH: Well there is some kind of prophecy that says the world is going to end in 2012 that everybody keeps talking about.

 

DC: Well lets see what happens, California was supposed to have fallen into the ocean about ten years ago too but that never happened-so I don’t believe it.

 

CH: Ok these last two are kind of pointless and silly. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

 

DC: As much as a woodchuck would chuck wood if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Right?

 

CH: Exactly, that was pretty good. Ok, so what’s your favorite Ice Cream flavor?

 
DC: Well I like lots of Ice Cream Flavors-if I had to choose-- Strawberry Cheesecake.