by Bellatrix Boudreaux

True Blood settled into its new season last night. Or did it settle into 24's new season? In any case, when last we left the town of Bon Temps, Tara was headed 6 ft. under. But as a hand popped out of the dirt, we knew she wasn't staying for long. Here's how things unfolded this week:

by Bellatrix Boudreaux

Last night, True Blood returned, and we viewers learned, “In a series about the undead, characters might get killed off, but they never get written off.” HBO's Louisiana-set vampire romp returned with all the almost-there local references, overly complicated story arcs featuring any fantastical creatures that happen to come to the creators' minds and, of course, gratutious nudity. Let's take it from the top:

If the second life game and jewelry line weren't enough to satisfy your appetite for True Blood, the overlords of the second best Louisiana-set HBO series are now offering a more mouth-on opportunity to get it on all the biting. The official True Blood cookbook, which will feature "authentic Southern recipes for the local fare of the insatiable world of Bon Temps," will be released in the fall. We almost believe the authentic part, especially since series creator Alan Ball enlisted the help of Queen of Cajun Cooking, Marcelle Bienvenu. Bookies are already taking bets on how many pages until the first gratuitous sex scene. (VIA)

When we last left Renard parish, Eric and Jess almost died (er lived then died again,) but they didn't. There was a bunch of feeding and sex. Then, all the personalities involved attempted reconciliation with the witches, but that turned ugly. The cliffhanger moment came when Sookie was injured, plus the witches used silver to capture Vampire Eric. And, here we go again...

Tonight, we return to Bon Temps, a campy, absurdist town populated by characters in Louisiana that is slightly less entertaining than actual Louisiana characters. When we last left the gang, Eric was spared by Bill and then wasted no time getting with Sookie, (However, it must be noted that the gratuitous nudity of seasons past has yielded to a nuanced "erotica.") Jason thought he was a panther, but it was just a subconscious rationalization to flirt with Jessica. Marnie and Lafayette are both possessed by powerful witches, and there's a devil-baby with Arlene and terry. Now for this week...

When we last lost Renard Parish, Sookie was making out with Eric, Vampire Bill had Marnie the Witch under lockdown in some sort of Gitmo-esque facility, Tara's lesbian lover in NOLA was onto her second life, and  and Vampire Bill convinced Pam to spill the beans about Sookie's landlord. And, now Episode 5 minute by minute...

Last week, Jason escaped the shapeshifting panthers,and was rescued by Hoyt and Jessica, but Tommy, the shapeshifting dog, was collared so he can be used in a Michael Vick style dogfight operation. (Really.) Meanwhile, Eric tripped on Faireie blood, and Marnie, the cliche named witch, is becoming very evil. In fact, she used her powers to cut through Pam's Tammy Fay Baker-esque makeup and dissolve the very flesh of her face. Sookie has kept her clothes on and grown distant from Bill. Now for Episode Five!

When we last left Bon Temps over in Renard Parish, True Blood was experimenting once again Having run out of drugs, and supernatural gimmicks, Alan Ball's team decided to try slipping on their abstinence rings. In place of nudity, they tried plot and acting. In the last minute, they realized their folly, and gave us an amnesiac Eric eating Sookie's Fairie Godmother. Also, Pam enlisted Tara and Lafayette to bring back Marnie the Witch lest she "eat, fuck, and kill" each of the.

Last week, the old "service monkey" defense was found to be a non-starter, the city finally paved the way for bike taxis, and, as ever, BP was shifty. Like an afternoon thunderstorm, NoDef Numbers provides a little respite from the relentless pounding of news developments. Click on through to the other side to check them out, before things get all steamy again.

When we last left our favorite tale of Louisiana Lust, the tiny town of Bon Temps had run amuck. Eric the Vampire proved himself quite the real estate wiz, buying Sookie's house, Vampire Bill found himself enough mercs to prove that Giants aren't the only ones with posses, a Wiccan stopped eating granola, satisfying herself with raising the dead, and Sam is involved in some sort of Prufrockian unrequited love mixed with shape changing. Yeah. Oh, and there's sex, lots of sex.