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Quarantine Queries


Signs springing up around LaSalle Street are warning locals about an animal quarantine. The only problem is that there is actually no animal quarantine. Further, the issuing “agency” does not exist.


BP Picks Up Another Pair of Yes Men


by Shay Sokol

Good news finally came one year after the Big Oozy at the Gulf Coast Leadership Summit yesterday. Dr. Dean Winkeldom from the U.S. Department of Health announced the feds would set up 35 clinics along the Gulf Coast to provide health care for those affected by the oil spill. Sending the press into a particular tizzy, the federal government also promised to ban further use of the toxic dispersant. In a video that appeared along with the news release, a BP official, Steve Wistwil, expressed regret over the company’s lack of attention to this issue, and agreed to foot the bill of $525 million. Then an angry man who claimed to be with BP barged into the room and interrupted the conference, asking who the hell Wistwil was. The two men argued, each claiming to be the real BP representative. Amid the din, the truth emerged: the news was too good to be true.


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Contributors

Renard Boissiere, Evan Z.E. Hammond, Naimonu James, Wilson Koewing, J.A. Lloyd, Nina Luckman, Dead Huey Long, Alexis Manrodt, Joseph Santiago, Andrew Smith, Cynthia Via, Austin Yde

Photographers


Art Director

Michael Weber, B.A.

Editor


Listings Editor

Linzi Falk

Editor Emeritus

Alexis Manrodt


B. E. Mintz


Stephen Babcock

Published Daily