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Defender Picks

 

Frack Your Brain

This week, the Louisiana Lazarus ponders the Northshore's fracking-filled future.


Q
Between protests and pipelines, there's something underfoot in St. Tammany Parish. What is it, Dead Huey? Are we doomed? -Marooned in Mandeville

Mysteries of Prehistory

This week, the Louisiana Lazarus unearths the latest Bayou State education controversy.


Q
Dear Huey: My school is now teaching me that Dinosaurs never existed! What should I do? Lost in the Lost World.

Wined and Brined

This week, Dead Huey Long stands with the people of Assumption Parish as they face down a pair of giant sinkholes.


Q
Dear Huey, I can't find my house. What happened to it? Sincerely, Assuming in Assumption.

Of Hospitals and Hemorrhaging

This week, the Louisiana Lazarus rises again to take his state's temperature, and doesn't like the health care cuts he finds.


Q
Dear Dead Huey Long, Now that Southeastern Louisiana State Mental Hospital has been closed, what should I do with this amazing windfall of cash due to come my way. That institution was putting a hole in my wallet! Ya heard me? Sincerely, Mississippi River Miser

Pickin' Away the Picayune

There's only one thing the Louisiana Lazarus hates more than The Times-Picayune: no Times-Picayune.  This week, Dead Huey P. Long wakes up just in time to lament the cuts at Da Paper - albeit begrudgingly.


Q
Dear Dead Huey P. Long, What do you make of all this fuss about the Times-Picayune publishing three days a week and focusing more on their website? Given your history with the New Orleans paper, I reckon you’re glad to see it go, right? It’s not like we’re losing a particularly good paper. Unsubscribed in Eunice

Bounty Bluster

With everyone telling the New Orleans Saints how to handle Bounties, Big Tuna and Roger Goodell, the Louisiana Lazarus returns to add his voice to the conversation.


Q
Dear Dead Huey P. Long, As a popular leader who often faced accusation of bribery and corruption, I was wondering what you make of the Saint’s Bounty Gate scandal? You saw you share of scandals. Can the Saints will survive this one? --Who Dat Fan in Destrehan

Missing Monument

When it comes to namechecking famous people of the past, the Kingfish feels like someone is getting left off the list.


Q
Here it is the first week of the New Year, and I’m still not feeling quite right after all those hurricanes and hand grenades. Can you recommend a reliable hangover cure to get me back into the swing of things? Achy in Avondale

Ruffled Over Rematch

This week, the Kingfish takes a question from a football coach worried about playing a championship game against an arch rival that his team already beat once.


Q
I'm losing sleep here, Dead Huey Long. Great things have come upon my football team because this football team is still a football team, and we don't stop playing the game until it stops. But after the announcement which just occurred I'm starting to remember, again. I'm starting to think back to the pressure of playing for a trophy that you want to come your way, whether it be a shoe, a boot or a toothpick. We already got up for our arch rivals once. You can't unplay a game once it has already been played, but when you win you don't want to replay that game, again.  I want my guys focused. For this big game, I don't want the distraction of not being focused to be a distraction. How do I keep giving my team a passion and eager want for football? -Delerious in Death Valley

Of Poor Boys and VIPs

There was so much complaining about the lines at the Oak Street Po Boy Fest that Dead Huey Long managed to hear it way down in the crypt. Since he never met an argument he didn't like to weigh in on, the Kingfish takes on the notion that the fest is too crowded, and the much-maligned VIP section.


Q
I love po-boys, but I'm really not sure about the Po-Boy Fest on Oak Street. It's always so crowded and the lines are long. I thought about getting one of those VIP tickets this year, but it was pretty pricey, so I passed. Still, I went to the fest and had a pretty good time, but I'm not sure if I'll go back next year. What do you think, Dead Huey Long? Is the Po-Boy Fest worth the hassle, or am I better off skipping the lines and going to Quizno's instead? -Confused in Carrollton

Scoffin' Bout Coffins

This week, the Kingfish confronts a funeral director who went to court to challenge a group of casket-making monks.


Q
I'm a funeral director just trying to make it, when here comes these monks from St. Tammany. They think they can undercut the market just because they make their own caskets, but they don't have a license. They follow God's rules, but not Louisiana's! Surely you can talk some sense into them, Dead Huey Long. Tell them about the level playing field all people should have. -Mopey in Monroe

The Ragin' River

The Louisiana Lazarus returns from the crypt to address the Mississippi River flooding, and how it fits into the Louisiana Democrats' recent misfortunes.


Q
Dear Kingfish, We haven't heard from you in quite some time, but these are desperate hours. The Democratic Party here in Louisiana is on the verge of obscurity. Democrats are defecting and no one wants to run for governor, despite your great legacy in that post. How do we bring ourselves back from the dead, Dead Huey Long? -Riled in Red Stick

It's About Y'all

This week, the Kingfish spouts the true nature of Democracy to a Wisconsin lawmaker in the throes of mid-struggle malaise.


Q
Dear Huey P., I'm a Democrat from Wisconsin writing you from outside the state lines. I love the unions but I just want these awful protests to be over. I feel like I'm backed into a corner by the Republicans. You never took any crap from the other party Huey. How do I show them who’s boss?

The QB Quandary

This week, Huey P. addresses the sudden change in our political terrain, as our beloved Quarterback mulls a run for office.


Q
The Kingfish chose to address two questions this week. 1. I'm an NFL Quarterback mulling my first run for office. I've been on the field long enough to understand how to handle the limelight, and I even know what winning the big game is like. But Louisiana politics seems like a different story. How do I break in, Huey Long? -Unsettled in Uptown 2. Mr. Long, I've been breathin' politics ever since I was a baby. My daddy was campaignin' for mayor of New Orleans and my mama put me in a stranger's hand so my daddy could look like he was kissin' someone else's child. I feel like I know my way around the dark arts, but nothin' could've prepared me for an upstart quarterback who's so loved in this town he could destroy a St. Joseph's altar and get away with it. How do I beat back this sonofabitch? -Panicked on Poydras

Notes on Notes

This week, the Kingfish addresses the more soulful parts of a politician's job.


Q
I don't know if our mayor reads your column, Kingfish, but I thought I'd ask this question for him. I was reading your newspaper, and it seems Mitch Landrieu is going to sing on a compilation CD soon. I know you've had experience as a singing politician yourself. Do you have any advice for the Mayor as he steps into this new realm? -Curious on Claiborne

There's the Rub

This week, Huey takes a question from one of the Crescent City's street-level entrepreneurs.


Q
I recently moved to New Orleans. I was thinking about playing my washboard on the corner for tips in the French Quarter. Do you have any advice about how I can make as much money as possible? Please help me, sir. I have to feed my children!
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Contributors

Renard Boissiere, Evan Z.E. Hammond, Naimonu James, Wilson Koewing, J.A. Lloyd, Nina Luckman, Dead Huey Long, Alexis Manrodt, Joseph Santiago, Andrew Smith, Cynthia Via, Austin Yde

Photographers


Art Director

Michael Weber, B.A.

Editor


Listings Editor

Linzi Falk

Editor Emeritus

Alexis Manrodt


B. E. Mintz


Stephen Babcock

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